Broken
by GrittyRe-boot
Summary: Futurefic: The second Finn saw the pills scattered on the bathroom floor next to Rachel's limp body, he knew he would do anything he could to save her, but would it be too late? And would it even matter in the long run?
1. Prologue

**What the hell, I figured I'd squeeze in another fic before school starts since the idea just came to me. I usually like to write my fics as stylistically close to the show as possible, but this will be pretty different. In short, prepare to cry, also prepare for a bit of citrus in later chapters.**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own it.**

Prologue

Finn dragged his exhausted body up the stairs. It was past midnight and he hadn't slept since the morning before. Work had been hell since Rachel had to quit the show, but if taking care of her meant working triple shift after triple shift he would just have to suck it up. She was so much better these days it would be just be a matter of time before she'd be back on the stage where she belonged and things could finally get back to normal. He knew she still needed her rest, but part of him hoped she was still awake so they could talk about their day. He felt like he hadn't seen her in ages, even though last weekend they had just spent their first night out on the town together in months. He had taken her to see Hairspray and then to their favorite restaurant in Manhattan, an Italian place they couldn't really afford. At the end of the night they went home and spent the night in each other's arms, talking about everything and trying not to fall asleep. He couldn't help but smile when it once again dawned on him that they'd be spending many more nights like that together, it wasn't too long ago that his future with her didn't seem quite as promising.

He twisted the key in the lock and opened the door. Some of the lights were still on which led him to believe she was still up.

"Rachel?" he called. "You awake babe?"

There was no answer, she must have fallen asleep with the lights on. It didn't seem quite like her, nobody was as anal about the electric bill as she was.

"Rachel?" He called again. He checked the kitchen first, sometimes he'd find her there eating ice cream in the middle of the night when she couldn't sleep, but she wasn't there. Next he checked the bedroom only to find an empty, unmade bed.

"Rachel?" he called again, starting to get worried. He saw that the window was open, he checked the fire escape, still no Rachel. "Where the hell is she?"

Finally he saw the light glowing from under the bathroom door. "Rachel?" he knocked loudly but she didn't answer him. He tried opening the door so he could shut off the light, but to his horror it was locked.

"Oh no, Rachel! Rachel! Open the door!" Without thinking he slammed his shoulder into the door. It wouldn't budge the first time but he tried again. He knew something was wrong in there, he had to get that door open. The third time he kicked the door with as much force as he could muster, finally getting it to fly open. What he saw in the bathroom made his blood run cold. It was Rachel, passed out on the tile with a half a bottle of pills scattered on the floor next to her. He ran to her side and gathered her into his arms before frantically pulling his cellphone out of his pocket to dial 911.

"911 what is your emergency?"

"M-my wife, she…" Finn said, practically hyperventilating as he tried to explain what happened "Sh-she took some pills— she's on the floor."

"Okay we'll send someone right away. Just try to stay calm," Finn dropped the phone before the woman on the phone could give him any further instruction.

"Oh god Rachel, baby can you hear me? Please talk to me, please get up."

As her eyes fluttered open slightly, he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Rachel, baby" he said, sobbing. "Why would you do this? Why?"

"Finn" she whispered almost inaudibly. "Finn, I'm scared."

"I'm right here Rachel I'm not going anywhere. Just stay with me okay?" He held her close and rocked her back and forth in his arms. He tried to stay calm for her but he was a wreak, crying and shaking so hard he could barely manage to breath.

"I'm sorry Finn" she said, her eyes closing again.

"No don't do this, look at me, look at me Rachel!"

She opened her eyes again looking at him with a glazed over expression. "You shouldn't have found me, it's better this way."

"Don't talk like that. It's going to be okay, whatever happened we'll figure it out" Finn pulled her closer stroking her short hair and whispering into her ear "It's going to be okay, everything's going to be okay."


	2. Quitting

Rachel must have cried every tear she had inside of her, at that point nothing came out anymore. How she had managed to finally drag herself home after sitting in central park for hours, sobbing her heart out was beyond her, but there she was. She knew it was stupid to hope that Finn would be there, he had been working so hard to support them lately she felt like she never saw him anymore. She needed him there, every attempt to call him had been futile. Over and over again she would stare at his name on the cell phone screen for several minutes, before finally pressing end. She couldn't tell him, not now, not after he finally started to feel happy and himself again. Somehow she felt like it was all her fault, she knew it was insane to believe that but she couldn't help it.

"What am I going to do?" she said to herself, halfway expecting an answer. She dropped her house keys and purse on the table near the door and shut it behind her. She glanced at the clock, it was 10 pm, this time two years ago she would be sitting on the couch with Finn, watching bad TV and eating a late dinner that she'd prepared, or she'd be bowing to a packed audience with him in the front row with a bouquet of flowers, or they'd be making love to the sounds of traffic and blues music from the nightclub across the street. This time two years ago she would've been happy. She sank onto the kitchen chair and observed the bottle of wine that still sat there from that afternoon. She opened it up and took a long drink straight from the bottle, ignoring the glass that sat right in front of her.

She opened up her cell phone and dialed Finn again, this time pressing send.

"Rach?" Finn answered after a few rings.

"Hey baby" Rachel said emotionlessly "I didn't expect you to pick up, are you on your break?"

"Yeah, Rach are you okay?"

"Yeah" she lied. "I'm okay I'm just tired."

"You need to get some rest, you shouldn't wait up for me."

"I know, I just miss you" she said, her voice breaking.

"Well, I can't wait to see you either" he said. "I'm off both jobs tomorrow. We can spend the whole day together, just you and me, like we used to."

"When are you coming home?" she said.

"I get off at two, but I can try to leave a little early if things slow down a bit."

"No, it's okay. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. The last thing I want to be is a needy wife" she said, letting out a forced chuckle.

"Okay, well get some sleep. I love you."

She had to lower the phone so she could let out a quick sob.

"I love you too" she said, pulling her phone back up to her ear.

"Are you sure you're okay" he said again.

"I'm sure."

"Okay, I'll see you when I get home."

"Goodbye Finn" she said with a sense of finality she hoped he wouldn't catch.

She set the phone down and began to cry profusely, stopping only to take long drinks of wine. Finally when the bottle was empty and she felt numb from head to toe she got up to find a sheet of paper and a pen. She never thought it would come to this, saying goodbye to the man she loved in letter form before ending her own life, but she knew in the long run it would be easier for them both. She just hoped that one day he could forgive her.

_My darling Finn,_

_I love you more than you could possibly fathom, and wherever I am now I hope you know that I miss you terribly…_

* * *

Finn paced the waiting room floor, both anxious and terrified to speak to the doctor. Rachel's stomach had been pumped in the ambulance but she was still unconscious when they got to the hospital. All he could do was wait, wait and wonder. "Why would she do this?" he thought to himself. After everything they had been through he thought things were finally getting back to normal, that they could finally be happy again and move on with their lives, how could he have been so wrong?

"Mr. Hudson?" said the doctor approaching him. "I'm doctor Hu, your wife's physician."

"Is she alright, please tell me she's alright" he said through anguished tears.

"She's stabilized, you got to her in time."

Finn's tears of anguish quickly turned to tears of joy, well, maybe not joy, but definitely relief. She was okay, at least physically.

"Can I see her?" Finn said.

"Soon, but first I wanted to talk about what caused this."

"I don't know, I mean sometimes when people take pills they aren't really trying to kill themselves it's just a cry for help, right?"

"Well, your wife left a note and had the door locked" Doctor Hu said carefully.

"What are you saying?" he said.

"Mr. Hudson, did she know what time you were coming home?"

"I told her I was getting off at two" he said hesitantly.

"More than an hour later than you actually came home?"

"What are you saying?" he repeated, this time with more anger in his voice than he had intended.

"I don't mean to upset you Mr. Hudson, but it's my belief that Rachel genuinely tried to take her own life."

"No, she wouldn't do that."

"Mr. Hudson, are you aware that your wife is sick?" She said, trying her best to ease him into the situation.

"Rachel's not crazy okay? This is the first time she's ever done something like this."

"I don't mean mentally Mr. Hudson" She gave him a look he didn't care for. "Rachel has Leukemia."

Finn scoffed at the news, he couldn't believe what he was hearing, he _wouldn't_ believe it.

"Rachel _had_ Leukemia, she's been in remission for three months" Finn protested.

"She relapsed, she received the news this morning. We believe it's what led to the suicide attempt, depression is very common among cancer patients who suffer relapses. "

"No, because if she was getting sick again she would have told me" Finn said, shaking his head.

"She most likely didn't want to burden you until she knew for sure."

Finn didn't say anything. He simply sank into the closest chair and buried his face in his hands.

"Mr. Hudson," she said, placing her hand on his shoulder. "I realize that this is very difficult for you to he—

"Can I please see my wife now?" he said cutting her off.

"Right this way."

Rachel lied there, practically catatonic, but awake and sitting up. Finn tried to think of something to say to her, he didn't know whether to be angry or sad or both.

"Hi Finn" she said, looking almost guilty. He didn't respond, he just walked up to her and collapsed onto her bed, burying his face in her lap and crying his eyes out. She began to cry too and ran her fingers through his hair.

"Finn I'm so sorry, I was so stupid." she bent down to hug Finn and kiss his tear stained cheeks.

"How could you do this Rachel? Didn't you know what losing you would do to me?"

"I couldn't go through it all again Finn, It nearly destroyed us before, it nearly destroyed you."

"And you thought this would be better?" he said, almost yelling.

"I don't know what I was thinking, I was just so scared. I'm still scared." Finn broke free from Rachel's embrace and sat up to face her.

"I'm scared too, and when I saw you lying there I just… I've never been more scared in my life."

"I'm sorry" she said, placing her hand on the side of his face. Finn placed his hand over hers and kissed her palm. "I just thought this would be easier than having to spend months and months watching me die."

"You're not going to die, we beat this once we can do it again."

Rachel separated her hand from his and rolled over to her side, her back facing him.

"I can't Finn, I can't do it. I'm not strong enough" she sobbed.

Finn climbed onto the bed next to her and wrapped his arms around her frail body.

"Yes you are." He stroked her hair, it was just starting to grow back and he knew that losing it again would just be salt in the wounds. "And I'll be right here with you every step of the way, me and everyone who loves you."

"What?" she said.

"We're going back to Lima."


	3. Poor Thing

**I know this is way darker than I usually go, but I really hope you're enjoying it anyway. As for whether Rachel will die or not, yes I've made my decision about that, and no I'm not going to tell you what it is. You'll just have to keep reading. I'm sorry, I'm just a jerk that way.**

_He had this wife, you see,  
Pretty little thing.  
Silly little nit  
Had her chance for the moon on a string-  
Poor thing, poor thing._

Finn couldn't believe how good she was, her cockney accent was perfection and her voice was a dream, She was an understudy, but he couldn't imagine that the star of the show was any better, she couldn't have been.

_There were these two, you see,  
Wanted her like mad,  
One of 'em a judge,  
T'other one his beadle.  
Every day they'd nudge  
And they'd wheedle.  
Still she wouldn't budge  
From her needle.  
Too bad. Pure thing.  
_

He could tell that the crowd loved her too, they were hanging on her every word. It was hard to believe that she had been feeling under the weather lately, when she performed there was no trace of the fatigue that had been plaguing her, she was Rachel again, the Rachel he had fallen so completely in love with in high school, the passionate, fiercely talented, mildly insane girl of his dreams. When she was on stage she was no longer the woman who slept for hours during the day and bruised like a peach. The next day they'd go to the doctor to make sure that everything was alright, he was sure it was just some dumb virus that was going around. The girl that sang in front of him was invincible.

_So they merely shipped the poor blighter off south, they did,  
Leaving her with nothing but grief and a year-old kid.  
Did she use her head even then? Oh no, God forbid!  
Poor fool.  
Ah, but there was worse yet to come  
Poor thin—_

It happened in the blink of an eye, one second she was singing her heart out, the next she was lying face down on the stage. Finn's jaw dropped in horror. As the cast and crew ran to her aid, Finn scrambled out of his seat and ran up onstage, pushing Sweeney out of the way and ignoring the instructions of Judge Turpin to go back to his seat.

"I'm her husband!" he shouted before turning her on her back and sitting her up in his arms. "Rachel, Rachel, what's the matter? What happened?"

"Finn" she said weakly. "I think something's wrong."

* * *

"That's the last of the boxes" Finn said, sealing the last one.

"Are you sure you want to do this Finn? this is our home" Rachel said, scanning the tiny apartment.

"And it will still be our home when you get better and we can come back."

"But what if I—

"Rachel" Finn interrupted placing his hands on her shoulders. "I don't want to play the 'what if' game, you're going to make it through this."

"How can you be so sure about that?" Rachel said.

"I have to be, it's the only thing that keeps me from falling apart." He kissed her forehead and pulled her into his embrace.

"What's going to keep _me_ from falling apart?" she said, her voice breaking.

"I am" He said encouragingly. "The movers should be here any minute and Burt has the extra room all set. We're good to go babe."

"It _would_ be nice to see everybody, I haven't seen Kurt and Mercedes' baby since the shower" Rachel said, finally starting to sound somewhat optimistic. It made him happy to hear her making plans.

"I hear he looks just like Kurt now, only tiny and African American" Finn said, getting a laugh out of Rachel.

"It's good to hear you laugh again" he said, pulling her in tighter and kissing her softly on the lips.

"Mr. and Mrs. Hudson?" said the mover, peeking his head in.

"Time to hit the road" Finn said.

* * *

"Where are you going?" Rachel said as Finn started down an unexpected road.

"I thought I'd pick up my last check before we left for Lima, the guys wouldn't let me hear the end of it if I didn't say goodbye."

After Rachel's diagnosis, Finn had to land a steady real estate job since his current one didn't prove lucrative enough to take care of both of them, but his first and favored position was as a bartender slash emcee at Good Libations pub, the best Karaoke bar in Manhattan, a place he'd grown rather fond of. It wasn't Broadway but it did give him the opportunity to perform again, and the pay and tips were pretty good if not enough to avoid the boring nine to five life. He had to admit that he'd miss it, but Rachel was more important than some dumb job, she was more important than anything.

"I'll be right back" he said, unbuckling his seatbelt and hopping out of the car. He walked through the employee's entrance to see Joanna, his boss, going over the mornings deliveries.

"Let me help you with that" he said, moving a box of grey goose vodka out of the way.

"Hey, you've got some nerve showing up here after quitting on me Hudson."

"I know Jo, but I have to do this."

"Anything I can say to change your mind? You're my best bartender."

"I am not, I just paid off that 12 year old scotch I dropped. And I still can't figure out what goes in a mojito."

"Okay, so you're a lousy bartender, so what? You've become like family around here."

"Well I'm sorry but my other family needs me more right now."

"If it's because I'm not paying you enough—

"This has nothing to do with money. I worked two jobs trying to pay Rachel's medical bills and keep a roof over our heads, I was gone all of the time and she was so alone and she felt so guilty for putting me through all of that that she couldn't even tell me she was getting sick again. She doesn't need the money, she just needs me. Moving back home for awhile will finally let me just be there for her without worrying about how I'm going to make ends meet."

"Okay, if this is what you need to do I can't stand in your way. Frank has your check upstairs, you can sign for it there."

"Thanks Jo" He said, hugging her goodbye and starting upstairs.

"Hey Hud?" she called after him.

"Yeah?"

"The job's waiting for you when you and Rachel come back."

"Thanks for saying 'when' and not 'if'" he said before continuing upstairs.

* * *

Rachel slept peacefully, resting her head on Finn's shoulder as he drove into the night. They were halfway through the ten hour drive and they hadn't spoken much, but he expected as much considering everything that had happened in the past month. He still couldn't look at her without picturing her on the floor surrounded by pills. As the thought entered his head again he put his free arm around Rachel and kissed the top of her head as if he was trying to keep her from floating away.

"Are we there yet?" she said groggily.

"What are you five?" he joked, still trying not to cry.

She looked up at him with wide eyes. "Finn can you pull the car over for a second?"

"Why, is something wrong?" He said worriedly.

"No, I just need to talk to you."

Finn pulled the car over and turned on the light so he could see her.

"Finn, it's about what happened last month."

"Look Rachel—

"I'm sorry, I know that you feel like I was giving up" she interuppted. "And I know that hurt you way more than me being sick ever could."

"You don't have to apologize, I know I wasn't there for you the way I should have been."

"Finn, don't talk like that, you've been my rock through all of this. I know you put yourself through hell trying to take care of me."

"I should have taken care of you by being there, when I think about all of the doctor's appointments I missed and all the hours you spent at home by yourself..."

"I should have been honest with you about what was going on with me, I should have let you help me" she said, her eyes starting to glisten. "I was finally better and then it all just fell apart, it was too much. I felt like I had scaled Everest just to get knocked back down and I couldn't handle it."

"We'll handle it together Rachel" he said, wiping away her tears with his thumb. "You just have to be strong for me, can you do that?"

She nodded "Yes, and I promise I'll never put you through anything like that again. I love you so much Finn" she said, throwing her arms around him.

"I love you too"


	4. Encouragement

"I can't do it Finn, I literally can't raise the clippers high enough, it's like some unknown force is pulling my hand back."

Finn looked at Rachel's once full and stunning hair, it had fallen away in patches, leaving big gaps of visible scalp. He knew she should have shaved it in the beginning, like ripping off a band aid, but Rachel had a weird connection to her hair. She washed it seven days a week, brushed it 100 times a night like Marcia Brady and marinated her head in deep conditioners and cream rinses until it shined like satin. She loved her hair and now she had to shave it all off. He loved Rachel's hair too, but he hardly loved it enough to see her as any less beautiful without it.

"Give them to me, I'll do it." Finn said.

"Don't say that so loud, what's left of my hair can hear you." She said, reluctantly handing him the clippers.

She squeezed her eyes shut as he turned on the clippers, just the sound of them made her flinch. The first cut was the hardest, it was one long stroke from the back of her head to the center. After that it was easier, he shaved one patch of her hair after another until her long chestnut locks laid on the floor. She exhaled sharply, as if she hadn't been breathing the whole time.

"How bad is it?" she said, her eyes still closed.

"Take a look" He said, handing her a mirror. She timidly opened her eyes and looked into it, speechless. "I have to say, not every girl can pull off the Vin Diesel look but you're rocking it"

Rachel smiled and wiped the tears from her face. "You are so _not_ funny."

Finn kissed the top of his wife's newly bald head and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. "You're smokin' hot babe, don't ever forget it."

* * *

Rachel had told Finn that she would be strong for him, and part of her meant it, but a much larger part was still absolutely scared shitless. She loved Finn more than anything and all she wanted was to get better so she could spend the rest of her life with him, but she couldn't help but fear that getting better wasn't in the cards. Most people with Leukemia died from it, and the odds of surviving it twice were even lower. It was a simple fact, but she couldn't tell Finn that, even though she was certain he already knew. She had to let him hold on to the hope that everything would work out, all the while she wholeheartedly believed that it wouldn't. Why can't he just face it? She thought, then maybe keeping up a brave front wouldn't be so damn hard.

"Were here Rachel" Finn said, waking Rachel with a start. She opened her eyes to see Finn's old house, the Hudson-Hummels were all gathered outside awaiting their arrival.

"Finn, Rachel my god." Carole cried, embracing them both as they exited the car. "Look at you two" she continued, starting to tear up.

"Mom it's okay it's not like you've never seen us before" Finn said, hugging his mother.

"Well it feels like we haven't, you've been gone so long" Burt said. "I just wish you were here under better circumstances, how are you doing sweetheart?" He continued, turning his glance to Rachel.

"I'm dying and completely terrified and miserable" she thought "I'm hanging in there" she said instead.

"Of course you are, no step daughter in law of mine is going to give up without a fight."

"I have to say I've always thought your features were a bit severe to pull off a Pixie cut." Kurt chimed in "But I must say this look is very becoming."

Usually that would have made Rachel smile. She was always self conscious about her short hair, and even though everyone told her how good it looked she knew that Kurt was the only one she could trust to be honest about it. But his assurance was hardly enough to make her forget how completely everything had fallen apart.

"Don't get too attached, I'm starting chemo again soon. What little I have will be gone." Rachel said, nervously fussing with the hair at the nape of her neck.

"Pity, well we're just going to have to get you a decent lace-front wig" Kurt said.

"What is this a Goddamn beauty parlor?" Burt teased, "Get inside, all of you. You've had a long drive."

"Where's the kid Kurt?" Finn said slapping his step-brother on the back as they entered the house.

"Elliott's at home with him. But you can see him tomorrow when Mercedes comes by to see Rachel, it's her day tomorrow."

"I still can't believe you guys have a son together" Rachel said, happy not to be the focus of conversation.

"And I fully expect you to stick around long enough to have the two gay dads heart to heart with him." Kurt said touching her shoulder.

Rachel smiled weakly, no matter what she said she couldn't avoid the overwhelming encouragement-speak that came with having cancer. She knew they meant well, but it was a little tough to take sometimes.

"Well yeah, I guess I can't impart much wisdom to an 18 month old" Rachel said.

"You'd be surprised, that kid is a genius" Burt said. "He kicked a Nerf football like twelve feet the other day."

"Of course I end up raising a jock" Kurt said, rolling his eyes.

"I can't wait to see him" Rachel said.

"Well, you two will have your own one day, I'm sure of it" Carole said, rubbing Rachel's arm.

"Yeah" Rachel said. "I hope so."

"Well I _know_ so." Carole continued. Rachel wanted to scream, why did everyone have to be so damn optimistic?

"Wow, you know I'm pretty tired, I really want to catch up and everything, but I think I'm going to try to get some rest" Rachel said.

"But you slept all the way here" Finn protested.

"I know it's the weirdest thing" Rachel said, yawning.

"Well, that's okay I'll take help you with your luggage" Burt said, grabbing Rachel's bags.

"She's kind of been through a lot" Finn said apologetically to his mother and Kurt before following Rachel and Burt to their room.

* * *

"Rachel, is everything okay?" Finn said as he sat down on the bed next to her. "You seemed kind of short back there."

"I'm fine" Rachel said unconvincingly. She lay down on her side, facing away from him so he couldn't see the tears in her eyes.

Finn lay down behind her and stroked her hair. "Are you sure?"

"Finn, I have cancer, that's the reality of the situation, but aside from that I'm peachy. Now can we please just get some sleep?"

"Rachel what about before? What about what we talked about?"

"I'm not going to try to kill myself if that's what you're asking."

"That's not what I'm asking, I just don't get why you're mad at me all of a sudden."

"I'm not mad, I'm exhausted. Can we please talk about this in the morning?" She grabbed another pillow and placed it over her head, blocking out Finn's voice, blocking out everything.

**It's going to be a rough couple of chapters, but I promise things will get better. It's Finn and Rachel for God's sake. I can't make them too miserable.**


	5. Harsh Words

"I think I have to quit the play" Rachel said as she sat up and placed the bile-filled kidney dish on the table next to her. She wiped her mouth and faced Finn.

"I'm sorry Rachel. I know how hard that must be." He rubbed her back and kissed her clammy forehead.

"I've already missed four shows in the last two weeks, my voice is hoarse from throwing up. I really stuck it out as long as could." She said as she placed her wig back on top of her head and began to brush it.

"Yeah, you've been a trooper"

"I'm sorry, I know we need the money, especially now with the medical bills."

"Don't worry about it, I'll find another job, one with better health benefits. We'll be fine I promise."

"Hi Rachel" Rachel's oncologist Dr. Owen said as he entered the room. How is everything going?"

"I feel kind of like I've been ran over by a truck" Rachel said.

"Well that's normal. But the good news is your body is responding extremely well to the chemotherapy."

"So does that mean there's an end somewhere in sight?" Rachel said hopefully

"Well it's not that simple, I still strongly recommend a bone marrow transplant if you expect to make a full recovery."

"We've been looking for matches all over, it's been really hard" Rachel said.

"Well that's the good news, we've found a match."

"Who?" Rachel said excitedly.

"A Mrs. Shelby Ryan," Dr. Owen said, reading from a file. "Does that name mean anything to you?" Dr. Owen said.

"Shelby? My… birth mother?"

"Your husband contacted her" Dr. Owen said, glancing at Finn.

"You did?" Rachel said turning to Finn.

"I'm sorry I know I should have told y—

Rachel interrupted him with appreciative kiss on the lips.

"I'm glad you're happy but you do realize that you just puked a second ago right?" Finn said.

"Oh, I'm sorry" she said sheepishly.

"Don't worry about it" he said, putting his arm around her.

* * *

Rachel was never a huge fan of sleep, sure it was necessary, but before she got sick it was little more than an annoyance that took up time she could have used working towards her numerous goals. These days however, sleep was Rachel's best friend. When she slept it was the only time that she didn't feel pain or crippling sadness.

"Rach wake up, you have a doctor's appointment" Finn said, shaking her awake.

"Joy" Rachel said sullenly.

"Hey it'll be fine. We'll talk to the doctor about starting you back on chemo and we already have a donor lined up if you need another transplant, everything—

"Is going to be fine, I know I know" Rachel said dragging herself out of bed. "Give me half an hour."

Rachel walked across the hall to the bathroom, removed her clothes and climbed into the shower, as the hot water poured over her she couldn't help but wish she could slip down the drain into oblivion, anything to avoid today.

* * *

Rachel and Finn sat across from her new Oncologist, Dr. Larsen. She was a bit younger than Dr. Owen and had a positive attitude that wouldn't quit. In short, Rachel hated her instantly.

"I know that Cancer is a very scary thing" Dr. Larsen started. "But the good news is you have a much better idea of what to expect than most patients who see me."

"That's the good news?" Rachel said dourly.

"Rachel, I would like to start your first round of chemo as soon as possible, the sooner we tackle this thing the better your chances. And I'm sure you know how beneficial a bone marrow transplant can be.

"Well we have a donor so—

"Finn do you really think it's a good idea to ask Shelby again? I mean when I first met her she didn't want to have anything to do with me, I really don't think that's changed much."

"I think it's a good idea to keep you alive Rachel, and besides what are you talking about? She jumped on the chance to help you before."

"Yeah, to clear her conscience about abandoning me. She might as well have said 'I saved your life, don't bother me again'"

"Rachel that's craz—

"Rachel, if I may" Dr. Owen said interrupting Finn.

Rachel and Finn turned their attention back to Dr. Larsen.

"Yours is a very rare blood type, now if you've found a donor than you can't let her slip through your fingers."

"She's right Rachel."

"Fine take her side." Rachel said

"This isn't about sides this is about saving you. We have to do whatever it takes."

"Why, why do we have to do whatever it takes? We did that before and it didn't work" Rachel said.

"Rachel—

"Look, if you want to ask Shelby then ask her. But don't expect me to have any part of it. It's not like you asked my permission the first time anyway."

"And you thanked me, remember?"

"Rachel. I know this is very hard on you" Dr. Larsen said in a soothing voice that was like nails on a chalkboard to Rachel. "But this doesn't have to be a death sentence, what's important is that you stay—

"Strong, I know. God I wish everybody would just stop saying that!" She began to cry and darted out of the room.

Finn met Rachel in the hallway. Hot tears were streaming down her face and her body convulsed with each powerful sob.

"Rachel, baby tell me what's wrong" Finn said calmly.

"Are you seriously asking me that? What is this, stupid question day?"

"Rachel I'm just trying to help you, you don't have to attack me."

"I hate her Finn."

"I know, but Rachel she's the best oncologist in Lima."

"Why did you bring me here?" she said, still sobbing.

"This is where people go when they're sick."

"No, I mean why did you bring me back to Lima?

"Because you needed support."

"Support? You mean I needed everyone talking to me like everything's going to be just fine if I fight hard enough. Do you have any idea how condescending that is?"

"Rachel I know what condescending means, that's not what they're doing."

"That's because you're worse than all of them Finn. People get cancer all of the time, a lot of them are fighters and troopers and goddamned poster children for perseverance and they still die. Being brave and keeping a stiff upper lip does nothing."

"Is that why you tried to kill yourself Rachel?" he said, regretting it instantly.

"You are unbelievable"

"Rachel I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that"

"Finn, I am being a world class bitch right now and you're apologizing to me, that's just great."

"Well how am I supposed to treat you Rachel? Huh?" He shot back, starting to get exasperated.

"Like a person." She said wiping her tears. "Now I'm going back in because that's just what's going to end up happening anyway, I'll do the treatments I'll have the stupid operation, but if none of it works it damn sure won't be because I wasn't strong enough." She disappeared back into Dr. Larsen's office leaving Finn in the hallway without another word.

* * *

Finn drove Rachel back home, trying to think of something to say but failing miserably. He didn't know what she wanted from him, he tried everything to make her feel better, but none of it worked. Rachel had never been that way, underneath her crazy ambition and overconfidence was a kind heart that she never failed to open up to him. He knew it was still there, that she still loved him, that she still loved all of them.

"Maybe you should think about talking to someone" he said finally, fully expecting her to lash out at him over it.

"You mean, like a therapist?" she said calmly

"Well, maybe it will help, maybe there are some things you just can't tell me."

"Finn I'm not crazy"

"I didn't say you were crazy, I'm just saying I understand if there are some things you don't want to talk to me about."

"I want to talk to you Finn, you just don't seem to want to listen." As they pulled up to the house Rachel climbed out of the car and started off.

"Rachel" Finn called after her, but she didn't answer.

Rachel opened the front door to the Hummel-Hudson house dying for a long nap, what waited instead was an ambush. Underneath a "We Love You Rachel" banner, everyone was there; Burt, Carole, Kurt, his life partner Elliott, Mercedes and their son Jones, Quinn, Artie, Tina, Mr. Schuester, Rachels Dad's and most surprising of all… Shelby.

"Surprise!" They all yelled in unison.

Rachel literally wanted to die.


	6. Death by Kindness

"Hey beautiful" Finn said as Rachel finally woke up from her operation. She was groggy and disoriented but she at least seemed to recognize who he was. "How do you feel?"

"Numb" Rachel said.

"That's good, numb's better than pain right now. The doctor said the surgery went really well, you did great Rach."

"Where's Shelby?" she whispered.

Finn tried to dodge the question "Did you want some water" he said, putting the straw up to her lips. She took a sip.

"Where is she?" she repeated.

"Well, the doctor said she could go home so…"

"She didn't want to see me" Rachel said.

"I'm sure she did but—

"She never wanted to see me" Rachel interrupted, shutting her eyes and drifting back to sleep.

* * *

Rachel knew that something like this would be coming, but why did it have to be today? A welcome home party was the last thing she needed. Still, she smiled weakly and entered the house.

"Hey sweetie" Rachel's dad Hiram said, as he and her other father Leroy both embraced their daughter.

"What's all this?" Finn said.

"Well we decided to call up some of you and Rachel's friends, we all wanted to come and just let you know how much we love you and support you both" Hiram said.

"Yeah, me and Carole helped put it together. We wanted you to know how much you mean to us Rachel" Burt said.

"Yeah sweetie" Carole continued. "We're all here for you honey."

"I don't know what to say" Rachel said timidly.

"This is great, thank you guys" Finn said with as much conviction as he could muster, which wasn't very much considering the day's events.

"Hey Rachel, it's been a long time" Mr. Schuester said, taking another opportunity to hug Rachel. She had to admit it was good to see him, aside from going a little gray at the temples he looked about the same. "You look great."

"Thanks, so do you Mr. Schuester."

"That's Principal Schuester to you."

"I'm sorry, how could I forget, Principal Schuester."

"It's okay, you can call me Will now, I just like to brag."

"Hey Rachel. How is everything" Artie said, he looked the same too, but with shorter hair and more sophisticated clothes.

"Were so glad you're here" Tina said, hugging her. She was clearly still a fan of black, but the blue streaks and bright eye shadow were replaced with a slick bun and ruby lipstick and her fingerless gloves were replaced with a wedding ring courtesy of Artie Abrams.

"So I heard you took over glee club" Rachel said to Artie.

"Yep" Artie confirmed. "That reminds me, I was wondering if you wanted to come by sometime and visit, see what we've done with the place."

"That sounds great" Rachel said, feigning as much enthusiasm as possible.

"Maybe you could sing something for the kids, you know, something inspirational." Tina continued "Considering everything you've been through we think you would be the perfect person to talk about overcoming adversity."

"Well, I haven't really overcame anything yet, but…"

"Rachel how are you?" Quinn said, hugging her before she could finish her sentence. Rachel wondered how long it would take to get tired of all the hugging. "This is my husband Grant, I hope it's okay that I brought him."

"It's okay, I didn't even know that _you_ were coming"

"Hi Rachel, I've heard so much about you" She shook Grant's hand. She could tell by his Rolex and Quinn's expensive looking outfit that Grant was rich, she could also tell by his cocky grin and Quinn's sad eyes that he was a pretty big jerk.

"It's nice to meet you Grant" Rachel said.

"You must be Finn Hudson" Grant continued, shaking Finn's hand. "I should buy you a drink for letting this one slip away in high school, no offense to your lovely wife of course" She was wrong, he was a _really_ big jerk.

"None taken" Rachel said.

"Waytel!" squealed Kurt and Mercedes' 18 month old son Jones as he ran up to her as fast as his toddler legs would allow and hugged her around the legs. That was one hug she didn't mind.

"Hey cutie" Rachel said, starting to perk up a bit. "I can't believe he remembers me."

"Well we talk about you all the time and we watched a youtube video of your play last week" Kurt said. "He's just happy you didn't actually get your throat slashed."

"How is everything girl?" Mercedes said, giving Rachel yet another hug. "I was so sorry to hear about your relapse."

"Yeah, it pretty much sucks."

"You just need to stay strong, if anyone can beat this thing you can, your—"

"Thanks Mercedes" Finn said cutting her off as politely as possible, the doctor's appointment was still fresh in his mind and he was the only one who could sense Rachel's mild hostility.

Rachel gave Mercedes a weak smile before glancing over at Shelby, she was the only one who hadn't come over to give Rachel a pep talk, and as much as Rachel appreciated that she was a bit curious as to what she was doing there. She had moved on almost completely since meeting Rachel, she raised Quinn and Puck's daughter Beth for two years before meeting divorcee Bryan Ryan on the community theater circuit, marrying him and having two more children. Aside from the bone marrow transplant they hadn't had any contact whatsoever.

"Can you excuse me for a second?" Rachel said before leaving to approach Shelby.

"Hey" Rachel said. "You came."

"It's good to see you Rachel, you look good" Shelby said.

"You don't have to say that, I know I look awful. I feel awful."

"You don't look awful" She said reassuringly.

"Why did you come? I mean, not that it isn't good to see you."

"Well, your fathers told me about your situation and I thought you might need my help again so I'm offering it."

"You know you don't have to, you don't owe me anything Shelby."

"Rachel. I know that things between us have been… difficult, but if there's something I can do you help you I'm going to do it."

"Just as long as it means never having to speak to me right?"

"Rachel" Finn said, overhearing her. "She's sorry."

"Look it's okay" Shelby said. "I should probably go."

"Wait" Rachel said, stopping her. "Look, I appreciate what you did for me, but if you don't want to be a part of my life then you don't have to be. I made peace with that years ago. I mean, you didn't even wait for me to wake up from surgery before you left and now you're here. What am I supposed to say?"

"Rachel, this isn't about you and me" Shelby said, "This is about you. You're sick and you need my help if you're going to get better, now you know my number." With that Shelby grabbed her purse and left.

"Rachel, what the hell was that?" Finn said.

"I'm sorry you guys" Rachel said, ignoring Finn."This has been lovely but I really need to lie down."

She turned and disappeared down the hall, closing the bedroom door behind her.

**Where's Puck you say? Don't worry, he's my favorite character to write, there's no way I'm leaving him out of this story.**


	7. A Little Clarity

The next month was more of the same. All everybody offered was their love and support and all Rachel did was reject it, and nobody knew why. It got worse once Rachel started chemo, being so dreadfully sick from the treatment just made her more depressed and sullen. Finn got the worst of it, most nights he had to fall asleep to the sound of her sobbing and she refused to talk about it. But what Finn didn't know was that Rachel was dying to talk to someone, anyone, about why she was so angry. She just didn't need their sunshiny, glossed over advice. Maybe Finn was right, she thought, maybe therapy was a good idea, and she knew just where to go. Rachel decided she wouldn't tell Finn about seeing someone, at least not right away. She didn't want to be interrogated about seeing a shrink, so she left a note before leaving while Finn slept.

"I'm dying" Rachel said to the wide-eyed red-head sitting across from her.

"Okay, Rachel is that really the term you want to use in this situation" Emma said carefully.

"Probably not. But it seems to fit for some reason."

"Well Rachel If you're looking for a personal therapist you might want to go to someone with a bit more experience, I mean, I'm still an intern and there are plenty of other doctors here wh—"

"Dr. Pillsbury," Rachel interrupted. "If you're going to thrive in this industry it's probably best that you exercise a bit more confidence and poise, nobody wants an insecure shrink." Rachel said.

"Okay, you're right I'm sorry. I can get Gail to start your paperwork if that's what you want."

"Well, I don't know, I was hoping you could throw me a freebie for old time's sake, then we could go from there."

"Okay, that sounds fair. My next patient is at 11 so I have some time. What's troubling you? Besides the obvious of course."

"I love my husband, I love him more than anything and I know that he's just trying to help me get better, but for some reason I'm having trouble letting him. I'm having trouble letting anyone help me. Even my own birth mother who saved my life before."

"Okay, why do you think that is Rachel?"

"Well they all seem so sure that I'm going to be fine, that having cancer is like a speed bump that I have to get over. None of them really understand how much this is affecting me and I feel like every attempt to tell them just falls on deaf ears."

"Well Rachel did you ever stop to think that their positivity is just a coping mechanism for _them._"

"Of course, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with."

"I see. And what was your experience the first time you struggled with cancer?"

"Well Finn was great, he was always there for me, even when he had to take on a second job and I was alone a lot of the time. He feels guilty though, he feels like he was the reason I tried to kill myself, which couldn't be further from the truth."

"Rachel, can I ask you something personal?"

"You're my therapist, I thought that kind of went with the job."

"Of course" Emma said, letting out an embarrassed chuckle and shaking her head.

"What did you want to ask me?"

Emma nervously straightened her coffee mug before speaking

"Well, why did you try to kill yourself?"

Rachel just sat there quietly, unsure of what to say.

* * *

Rachel entered the house timidly. Fortunately Carole and Burt were both at work, but she would still have to deal with Finn. Note or no note, he wasn't going to be happy.

"Where were you?" Finn said as Rachel entered the house.

"I left a note" she said.

"Yeah you said you needed to clear your head, where did you go?"

"Finn look, I don't have to tell you my every move."

"Rachel you just had chemo yesterday, you know how much it takes out of you. What if something would have happened? I wouldn't have known where you were."

"Nothing happened to me, I'm fine. Besides, I had my cell."

"Which was turned off by the way."

"It wasn't turned off, I was ignoring you. If there was an emergency I would have called you."

"Why would you do that Rachel? Why are you trying to hurt me?"

"I'm not trying to hurt you" she said, raising her voice. "I'm just tired of feeling like I'm on suicide watch. I'm not five years old Finn, I can go for a drive if I want to."

Finn ran his hands over his head exasperatedly. "I don't know what to do Rachel, I honestly don't know what to do anymore, I just I feel like I'm losing you."

"God, wake up Finn! You are losing me, I'm dying."

"You can't talk like that Rachel. You're not going to die."

"My God Finn, I think you're the only person on this planet who somehow treats me like I'm both immortal and made of porcelain, how the hell do you pull that off?"

"Rachel—

"Look, I'm not trying to make you sad or hurt you, I just want you to deal with what's happening."

"I am dealing with it, you're the one who's not dealing with it."

"I'm not dealing with it? Okay, do you want to know where I was this morning?" Rachel snapped. "I went to a therapist, I went to see Ms. Pillsbury. I did what you said."

"Why didn't you just tell me?"

"Because, I needed to go for _me_ Finn. I used to be able to do things just for me. I used to have a life."

"You still have a life."

"Really? Because I can't go out without you overreacting, I can't see my friends without them talking to me in greeting cards, I can't even make love to my husband if I want to. In what way do I have a life?"

"What are you talking about? We have sex."

"We did before I got sick, now you're too afraid to touch me. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?"

"Rachel when you get better—

"God it's like talking to a brick wall!" Rachel cried. "You know what, I'm out of here. Don't follow me."

"Rachel!" he cried as she exited the door and slammed it behind her. Rachel knew he would follow her and that in her condition she wasn't fast enough to lose him, so she hid behind the porch until he went back inside to presumably call everyone he knew. When he did just that she got to the car as fast as she could manage and drove off. Twelve years together and Finn was still shockingly easy to trick.

* * *

Rachel loved the park, especially in the late morning when it was deserted and quiet. The only problem with it being so peaceful was that it was way too easy to fall asleep, especially with the overwhelming fatigue that already plagued her. She didn't know how long she had been sleeping when a shadow blocked out the sun and jerked her awake. It was probably Finn, she thought, it never took him long to find her after their fights but once she looked up to confirm her assumption she realized that she was as wrong as she could possibly be.

"Hey Berry" Puck said smugly, "Wow, you really look like shit."


	8. Hello Mary, Hello Jane

**This is a quicker update than I had intended, I was just way too psyched about writing this chapter. I've been planning it since the beginning.**

Puck was one of only three fellow glee members that Rachel hadn't seen since she left high school. Last she heard he was bumming around Europe playing guitar for coins, but that was over five years ago.

He was slightly tanner than in high school and sporting a ten O'clock shadow, several tattoos and a shaved head that she suspected was a result of premature balding. He was just as roguishly handsome as ever and every bit as irritating.

"Nice to see you too" she responded sarcastically to his rude first comment.

"I heard you were back in town" He said, sitting next to her. "Things didn't work out on the Broadway?"

"No, they did… until I got sick."

"So it's true?" he said unsurprised.

"Unfortunately."

"That sucks Berry. I always thought God would screw me over first."

For reasons she couldn't explain, that made her smile. "So I'm guessing that means you're doing well."

"I can't complain. My landscaping business is kicking ass… and there's my band."

"Let me guess, The Sex Sharks?"

"How did you know?"

"I've seen flyers around town, I didn't know you were the lead though, that's great Noah."

"Yeah, we're pretty badass. But what about you, did you really marry Finn?"

"It'll be eight years next month."

"Shit, really?"

"Really."

"God that poor bastard. Good for you guys though."

Rachel chuckled, somehow calling the man who married her poor bastard didn't seem like an insult coming from him.

"So what are you doing out here anyway?" Puck continued.

"Just blowing off some steam, we had a bit of an argument this morning. Actually I should start heading back before he gets too worried."

"Yeah, you wouldn't want to fall asleep again, when the homeless guys do it the kids like to write stuff on them."

"Well, Noah, it was actually kind of nice talking to you again."

"Gee thanks, it wasn't excruciating for me either" he said sarcastically.

Rachel smiled and shook his hand firmly before starting off to her car.

* * *

Rachel opened her eyes groggily. What had happened? she wondered, and where the hell was she?

"Finn?" she said, looking around the small room.

"Not even close" Puck said, entering with bottled water and handing it to her.

"What happened?" she said.

"You passed out on the way to your car."

"Oh god, what time is it?"

"Almost one O'clock." He said, looking at his watch.

"Oh no!" she felt for her cell phone, unable to find it.

"Relax, I called Finn. He's coming to pick you up" Puck said, grabbing her cell phone from his back pocket and tossing it to her.

"Did he sound mad?"

"Very."

"Jesus. I never should have left."

"Well he was in Dayton when I called him so it's going to be a while until he gets here."

"What was he doing in Dayton?"

"Looking for you."

"Why would I be there?"

"Beats the shit out of me. So, how are you feeling?"

"Terrible, you think I would be used to this by now."

"Yeah, when my nana got the C word the chemo pretty much kicked her ass. But she found a way to deal with it." He got up and began to shuffle through his drawer.

"How?"

"The only way a Puckerman ever does, illegally" he finally found what he was looking for and tossed it to Rachel.

"You're giving me weed?"

"Consider it a welcome home gift."

"You're insane, I can't take drugs" she said, handing the baggie full of joints back to him.

"It's not drugs, it's weed. It comes from the ground. You may as well be smoking green tea."

"Thank you, but I'm in enough trouble as it is."

"Rachel, plenty of studies recommend this stuff for putting up with cancer treatments. It totally takes the edge off."

"Yes I have heard that but…"

"Then what's the problem? Every few weeks the doctors give you crap that kills your cells, how is this worse?"

"Noah I think you're just looking for someone to get stoned with you."

"Look, just try it. If you don't feel any better then I'll throw you a freebie."

"Puck, I'm not having sex with you. I love Finn."

"I meant a yard consultation, God Berry is that what you still think of me?"

"I'm sorry but you have to admit that was a poor choice of words."

"Eh, don't worry about it. It's not like I'm above that kind of thing anyway, at least not as far as Mrs. Grant Kerrigan is concerned" He said, smirking.

Rachel couldn't believe her ears. "Wait, you and Quinn?"

"How did you know I was talking about Quinn?"

"I met her husband at my welcome home party."

"Well you can't tell anyone"

"What, that you're her mistress?" she teased.

"I prefer the term lover thank you very much. Besides, she's just evening the score, let's just say that Grant takes a lot of business trips."

"God, poor Quinn" Rachel said, unsurprised that she was right about him. "Did you ever consider doing anything about Grant?"

"What do you mean? I'm sleeping with his wife."

"No, I meant stealing her away" she said with a hint of excitement in her voice. "It would be pretty romantic don't you think?"

"I would. But Quinn has always kind of hated me too much to admit she loves me. I have to take what I can get" She couldn't believe it but there was actually sadness in his voice.

"I'm sorry Noah" she said touching his shoulder.

"It's okay, everyone has problems. What matters is how you deal with them, she deals with her problems by getting good loving on my end. I deal with mine like this" He took out one of the joints and lit it, taking a long drag before raising his eyebrows suggestively and handing it to her.

Rachel sighed and accepted it. "I can't believe I'm doing this" she said, taking a reluctant hit.

* * *

Finn knocked on Puck's door at three O'Clock, reeling from the day's events. He still couldn't understand why Rachel was so mad at him, and he was running out of ways to handle it. As much as he loved Rachel he was beginning to worry that she no longer loved him, that she was too depressed and angry at life to really love anyone, and it scared him.

"Hey Finn!" Rachel said, giggling as Puck opened the door.

"Um, hey Rachel" he said looking confused, it wasn't the greeting he was expecting. It was the first time he'd seen her look happy in over a month. "Are you okay?"

"I'm great" she said, getting up to hug him. "I'm as happy as you are tall. God you're so tall… and I'm so short. Isn't it great how we just make it work? Like, some couples are tall and some are short but we're both at the same time. That's love Finn, that's love."

"Can I talk to you outside for a second" Finn said to Puck. They stepped onto the porch out of Rachel's earshot.

"Is she high?" Finn said under his breath.

"Look it's not a big deal, it's just to help with the chemo."

"Are you serious, you gave my wife drugs?" He said angrily. "You gave my wife drugs" he repeated as a statement rather than a question.

"Hey, how do you know she didn't give _me_ the drugs?"

"Do you really think I'm that stupid?"

"Kinda" Puck shrugged.

"Look, thank you for helping her out but I think I'm going to take her home now" Finn sighed.

"Okay, so are we cool?"

"Sure" Finn said, rolling his eyes. "Just as long as you didn't sleep with her… you _didn't_ sleep with her did you?"

"No man, what kind of guy do you think I am?"

"Yeah, I don't think I should answer that"

"Finn?" Rachel said, joining Puck and Finn on the porch. "Do you ever wonder why people don't just sing what they're feeling all the time, like in musicals?"

"Yeah, it's all I ever think about" he said sarcastically. "Let's go home."

**Okay so I know that chapter might be considered controversial to some, but just know I wasn't trying to make a statement about medicinal marijuana use. I just thought the idea of Puck and Rachel blazing together was absurdly funny. But I guess if you had a problem with weed references you wouldn't watch the show to begin with.**


	9. Touch Me

Finn knew he couldn't say what he wanted to say to Rachel while she was in that state, so he put her to bed and decided to think about what he was going to say when she woke up. He needed his Rachel back and he would say whatever he had to to get her back.

"Okay, time to sleep it off Tommy Chong" Finn teased as he set her down on the bed, dressed in her pajamas.

"Finn I love you so much, I love you more than Pringles... ooh, do we have any Pringles?"

"Okay, you're high."

"And you're beautiful" she giggled, kissing him deeply. He didn't protest. It had been ages since she kissed him like that, high or not he was going to enjoy it. "Finn do you want to lay next to me?"

"Forever" he said choking back tears. She grabbed his hand and laid down pulling his arm around her waist. He was going to have to remember to thank Puck later.

* * *

Rachel woke up several hours later to see that Finn was no longer lying down with her but he was sitting at the end of the bed waiting for her to wake up.

"Finn?" she said sleepily.

"Rachel, we need to talk."

"I know" she said, sitting up next to him. "Finn, I'm so sorry about today"

"It's not just today, I feel like ever since we got here you've been doing everything you can to push me away. I don't understand, is it because you don't love me anymore?"

Rachel couldn't believe that he would say that, Finn meant everything to her, but she knew that she hadn't exactly been acting like it.

"Finn no, don't say that. Of course I still love you. I love you more than ever." She said touching the sides of his face.

"Then why won't you talk to me Rachel? Why do we keep fighting?"

Rachel knew it was time, it was time to finally pour her heart out to Finn, to tell him everything she had been keeping locked away. She couldn't keep hurting him.

"Finn it's not you okay. I'm the one who's been a mess through this" she said, grabbing his hand. "I've always been in control of everything, my career, my goals. And I guess facing my own mortality just caused me to unravel a bit."

"But you were sick before"

"And that was hard, but I was like you, I knew I would be okay if I did all of the right things, and got all of the right treatments and procedures and stayed strong. But then it all fell apart and for the first time I actually felt scared. And I wasn't just afraid of dying Finn, I was afraid of everything leading up to it."

"What do you mean?"

"When Ms. Pillsbury asked me why I tried to kill myself do you know what I said to her?" Rachel asked. He shook his head. "I said it was because I already felt dead." Her voice started to crack and tears welled up in her eyes.

"Rachel" Finn said, wiping away a stray tear from her face.

"When I was sick every day was spent waiting to get better, planning all of the things I was going to do once I was okay again. I wasn't living, I was surviving, but that was okay because I knew I was going to beat it and get my life back. But then I didn't."

"But you will this time. I know it."

"But what if I don't? I can't keep pretending like it's my choice anymore Finn. I can go outside and get hit by a car tomorrow, but if that happens I don't want to regret anything, I know that now."

"Rachel you can't keep talking like you have an expiration date."

"But I do, we all do."

"That's not the same."

"Why isn't it? I screwed up Finn. Instead of just being with you and loving you I pushed you away because I felt so guilty and sad about having to leave you."

"You don't have to leave Rachel" He said, starting to tear up.

"Finn I know this is hard, I know it is, but if we're going to live our lives to the fullest then you have to accept that I might not be always be here."

"I can't do that."

"Why, why can't you just accept it?"

"Because I love you too goddamn much okay!" Finn snapped. He stood up and turned his back towards Rachel, not wanting her to see him cry.

She stood up to hold him and stroke his back. It was the first time she had actually comforted him though this."Shh, it's okay Finn, it's okay. No matter what happens to me in a month or six months or ten years we have to start holding on to the fact that I'm here now."

"That's not good enough for me Rachel. I don't want to imagine getting up every morning without you next to me."

Rachel reached up to kiss him. "Finn I promise you, tomorrow you're going to wake up and I'm going to be right there. And if all we have is tomorrow then we should make today amazing."

"Did you get that from a movie poster?" He said, wiping his tears.

She giggled and kissed him again, and he kissed her back, deeply and longingly.

"What are you doing?" he said as he felt her unbuckling his belt.

"I'm taking advantage of you, do you think you can just walk around looking all gorgeous and not give me any? I have needs Finn"

"You've been spending too much time with Puck" He said, finally smiling.

"Don't worry, you're not going to hurt me" she said, kissing him again.

"Are you sure?" He said.

"I'm sure." She said, pressing her lips to his. "I need this Finn, I need you."

Finn hesitantly started to unbutton Rachel's shirt, he had to admit he was a little freaked out. She had always been a small girl, but she was so fragile now.

"I'm sorry, I know I look kind of gross" Rachel said sheepishly.

"No you don't, you look beautiful."

"You can be honest with me Finn, it's okay"

"I am being honest."

He kissed her again and lowered her down on the bed, kissing her lips and face and neck. She pulled his t-shirt up over his head and rejoiced at the feeling of his bare skin against hers, something she hadn't felt in months. She sat up a little to let him remove her bra. As he unhooked it and tossed it aside he kissed the bare skin between her small breasts, finally his mouth landed on her nipple, sending a pleasurable chill down her spine. She ran her small hands through his hair as he left a trail of soft kisses down her belly, landing at her waist. He paused to gently untie the drawstring on her pajama pants and pull them off, leaving her completely naked in front of him. He then ran his hands down her thighs as he parted her legs, kissing the inside of her thigh until his mouth was on the warm and soft area in-between.

She let out a sound that was somewhere between a giggle and a soft moan as he tasted her, sending shockwaves of pleasure through her body. He continued to go down on her as he pulled down his jeans and underwear, releasing his erection.

"Do you have a condom?" she whispered, the last thing she wanted was to wind up pregnant in her condition.

"Uh yeah I think I have some from the last time we were here."

He stopped to check his nightstand and rummaged through the piles of junk inside until he found what he was looking for.

"Make sure to check the expiration date, you can never be too safe." Rachel warned. He smiled, she was back.

He checked the date and removed the condom, putting it on quickly before rejoining his wife.

"Get on top" he said, still a little worried about how she would handle being underneath his massive body. She straddled his lap, letting him gently slip inside of her. As she began to move with him he marveled at how warm and familiar she felt. He sat up to wrap his arms around her and kiss her and let her kiss him as they continued to move in perfect rhythm together. Before long she began to let out little noises that were not unlike the ones she usually made when they made love. Still, he thought he'd make sure.

"Are you alright?" he panted.

"Yeah, I'm fine" she chuckled.

After several minutes he began to feel warm and tingly all over as he began to come, he could tell she felt it too by the way she squeezed her eyes shut and clenched her hands in his hair.

"Oh Finn!" she exclaimed, as she collapsed into him. He pulled out of her, panting and satisfied.

"Why the hell haven't we been doing that lately" Finn said, still out of breath.

"Because you worry too much" she said, snuggling into him. "But I love you anyway"

"I love you too."

"Finn" she said after a few minutes of blissful silence. "Why were you looking for me in Dayton?

"Don't you remember? L'Auberge? The week of Burt and my mom's anniversary... It's where I proposed."

Rachel smiled and wiped the tears forming in her eyes.

"Yeah, I remember."

"I thought you'd want to go somewhere from when you were happy."

She kissed him softly. "I am happy."

**Okay, that was my first attempt at writing erotic fanfic. Please tell me what you think, and rejoice, Finn and Rachel are Finn and Rachel again! Even I was starting to get worried and I'm writing the thing.**


	10. Something Inspirational

Rachel was as good as her word, the weight of her head against his chest and the feeling of her arm wrapped around his waist was one he hadn't woken up to in awhile. He wondered if it would last, if Rachel could truly be happy after everything she had been through. But for now he decided to just enjoy the moment with his peacefully sleeping wife. He smiled and began to comb her short hair with his fingers. It was only once a bit of her hair started to come away in his hands that it once again dawned on him how sick she truly was. He knew that she was right, that he had to embrace his time with her since it might not last. But he didn't want to think about it, he wanted to think about her winning her first Tony award… _I'd like to thank my wonderful husband Finn for always being there._ He wanted to think about having children together… _mom__, dad stop singing you're embarrassing us!_ He wanted to think about their 50 year anniversary… _After all these years my lady is still a stone cold fox._ He and Rachel had been together for 12 years and she'd been a colossal pain in his ass the whole time, she was pushy and neurotic and nagged the crap out of him. And the thought of living without her made him feel sick.

"Finn?" she whispered groggily.

"Hey, how are you feeling?"

"Okay… better."

"That's good."

"I was thinking about what Artie said, I think I want to perform for the kids at our old school."

"That's great, when?"

"Well, why not today?"

"Sure, I mean if you're up for it."

"Only if you go with me" she said.

He kissed her softly, "Of course babe."

She looked down at Finn's chest noticing the few strands of her hair that had broken away. "My hair is falling out isn't it?"

"Not a lot, there's no patches or anything yet."

"But there will be… I kind of had an idea" she said smiling up at him. She gave him a quick kiss and jumped out of bed with an actual modicum of energy, something he hadn't seen in months.

"Where are you going?"

"You'll see" she said disappearing into the closet. Finn heard her rummaging through one of the boxes they brought from home.

"Do you need help?"

"Nope" she said exiting the closet. She had put on her old wig. When she had first gotten it it was soft and glossy, much like her real hair. It had dulled considerably since.

"Are you sure you don't want to get a new one?" Finn said.

"Absolutely, come on get dressed, were going into town" she said grabbing his hand and helping him out of bed.

* * *

"Hold still" Kurt said as he snipped away one of Elliott's auburn curls.

"I'm sorry honey but you're taking a lot off of the top."

"Do you want to look like the picture or not.

"Yes" Elliott groaned.

"Then stop squirming, I know what I'm doing."

"Hi Kurt" Rachel said as she and Finn entered the salon.

"Jesus Rachel that wig is nothing short of tragic" Kurt said pausing from his current task.

"I'm performing at McKinley today and I need to look my best, can you fix this?"

He looked her up and down "This will be my biggest challenge yet, you'll need make-up too, the uncle fester look was never in style. Sit down I'll get you next."

"If you wanted to see her now I'm fine with it" Elliot said starting to get up.

"Sit down before I break out the duct tape" Kurt said, making Elliot sheepishly shrink back into his seat.

It was the first time Rachel had felt pretty in months. Kurt had dyed and cut the wig into a stylish chestnut brown layered cut, a far cry from the shapeless dishwater hued mop it had turned into, and her makeup actually gave her face the fullness and radiance she had lost, or at least the illusion of it. If they hadn't already known she was sick they would have been shocked to hear it.

"Kurt, you're a genius" she said, giving him a mile wide smile.

"I know" He said, sweeping his hair to the side in that Kurt-like way of his. "Now go kick ass"

* * *

Rachel hadn't set foot at Mckinley high since graduation. She even had to miss her ten year reunion because of the cancer, but somehow being there didn't feel odd or foreign, It felt sort of right. Finn and Rachel arrived hand in hand right in time for glee practice. Not much had changed except for the new group of misfits occupying the seats, even Brad was there, although his hair had gone almost completely white in the passing years.

"Rachel, just in time" Artie said.

"Finn you called him? It was supposed to be a surprise."

"Everybody, these are the guys I told you about. Former co-captains Finn and Rachel Hudson."

The group applauded.

"Are you the sick one?" asked one student.

"Unfortunately yes" she said timidly.

"You don't look sick, you look hot" Said another student.

"Brandon, no hitting on the guests" Artie said. "Rachel here is actually a fantastic singer, what do you say Rachel? do you want to show these kids what you got?"

"Don't start the party without me" Principal Schuester said, shuffling in.

"How many people did you tell exactly?" Rachel said after greeting Mr. Schuester with a hug.

"Just the two" Finn said.

"Take a seat Mr. Schuester" Artie said. "So Rachel, how about Get What You Give by New Radicals?"

"Eh, I was thinking something a little less… predictable." Rachel turned and whispered to Brad and then to Finn.

"You got it babe" Finn said taking his seat at the Drums. As Brad and Finn began to play the song Artie smiled upon recognizing it, grabbed his guitar and began to play along.

Rachel swayed her hips and began to sing.

_Home in the valley_  
_Home in the city_  
_Home isn't pretty_  
_Ain't no home for me_

_Home in the darkness_  
_Home on the highway_  
_Home isn't my way_  
_Home will never be_

_Burn out the day_  
_Burn out the night_  
_I can't see no reason to put up a fight_  
_I'm living for giving the devil his due_

_And I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you_  
_I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you_

_Time is the essence_  
_Time is the season_  
_Time ain't no reason_  
_Got no time to slow_

_Time everlasting_  
_Time to play b-sides_  
_Time ain't on my side_  
_Time I'll never know_

_Burn out the day_  
_Burn out the night_  
_I'm not the one to tell you what's wrong or what's right_  
_I've seen signs of what (freezing their eyes) went through_

_Well I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you_  
_I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you_

_Burn out the day_  
_Burn out the night_  
_I can't see no reason to put up a fight_  
_I'm living for giving the devil his due_

_And I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you_

As she sang the last words she looked directly at Finn, putting a dopey smile on his face. She winked at him before turning back to the students and accepting the large round of applause.

"Wow that was really… hot" Brandon said.

"Brandon" Artie scolded.

"What? It was."

* * *

After saying their goodbyes Finn and Rachel headed back towards the car, hand in hand.

"I don't want you to die Rachel" Finn blurted breaking the silence.

"Baby what about what we talked about?"

"You were right, you were right about everything. We do need to embrace the time that we have together, but that doesn't mean we should just stop trying."

"Finn…"

"No, let me get this out. You're always saying what if you don't make it… but what if you do? Do you ever think about that?"

"All the time, but Finn I don't want you to get your hopes up. I don't want you to be crushed."

"Rachel, I'll be crushed anyway" he said putting his hands on the side of her face and looking into her eyes. "I know you want me to be okay with letting you go, but that's just not possible. I need to believe that you can make it through this."

"Finn, what do you expect me to do?" she said, deflating.

"I want you to talk to Shelby."


	11. Savior

**Sorry for the slow update. I just started school so I won't be able to update as frequently, but there are only two chapters left so It's not a huge deal.**

"I can't do this" Rachel said, snapping the phone shut and handing it to Finn.

"Yes you can, she already agreed to help you" Finn replied, handing the phone back to her.

"What if she changed her mind? Who could blame her after the things I said?"

"You were upset, she'll understand. You can do this babe" he said, stroking her back.

"Okay" she said, exhaling sharply. She flipped open her cell phone and began to dial.

"It's ringing, what do I do?" she said frantically.

"I think you should know how a phone call works by now Rachel" He teased.

"Hello?" Shelby said answering the call.

"Uh h-hi" Rachel" stammered "It's—

"Rachel?" Shelby said.

"Yeah, it's... it's me."

"Are you okay?" Shelby said.

Rachel opened her mouth to say something but no words came out. Finn squeezed her shoulder supportively, giving her a "you can do this" look.

"I'm fine, I'm okay I just needed to… to talk to you about…"

"The transplant?" Shelby finished.

"Look I know I said some harsh words before but I really am eternally grateful for what you did for me. You saved my life Shelby, and now I'm asking if you would find it in your heart to forgive me…" she looked at Finn who gave her a warm smile. "…and I'm asking if you would…"

"Rachel" Shelby interrupted. "Why don't you come over? We need to talk."

* * *

Finn grasped Rachel's clammy hand as he led her up the path to Shelby's front door.

She raised her hand to knock on the door, but couldn't bring herself to do it. Finn rang the doorbell instead.

"Thank you" she said squeezing his hand.

"Why hello, you must be the Famous Rachel Berry" Bryan said, answering the door.

"Yes, we met once actually. I was one of Mr. Schuester's students."

"Yeah we both were, don't you remember?" Finn said.

"Hmm" Bryan said furrowing his brow. "Yeah, not even a little bit, but hey, second chances right? Come on in, Shelbs should be right out, she's sanitizing for your visit. The little one's got the flu."

"I swear that girl has coughed up substances that haven't been invented yet." Shelby said, entering the room. "Hi Rachel"

"Hi" Rachel said timidly.

"We should sit down" Finn said. The four of them took their seats in silence.

"Look Rachel I know you think I'm this awful woman who abandoned you, and yes agreeing to the transplant was partially a decision made out of guilt but…"

"I don't care" Rachel said. "I don't care why you helped me, the point is that you did, and yes, if I'm going to have a chance then I am going to need your help again."

"I know, and I would be honored."

Rachel and Finn smiled at each other.

"But first there's something I wanted you to see." Shelby got up and disappeared down the hallway. Bryan, Finn and Rachel sat in silence until she returned with a thin, glossy book that she handed to Rachel.

"It's my playbill from Sweeney Todd" Rachel said taking it. "You were there?"

"Opening night" Shelby said. "Look, I've always been so proud of how talented you are Rachel, and so ashamed that I never got a chance to have any part of it. That's the other reason I wanted to help, the main reason. I just felt like the world would be a little better if you stuck around and if I had a chance to make that happen then I had no choice but to take it."

"I don't know what to say" Rachel cried.

"Look, I'm sorry about leaving you that day, I just felt like you had all of these people in your corner, your husband, your parents. And we decided before that me keeping my distance emotionally was always the best thing."

"I know, but I guess I… never really meant it" Rachel said.

"You never said anything."

"I can be surprisingly good at keeping quiet" Rachel said. "But like I said, none of that matters now. What matters is that I have this operation."

"You're right" Shelby said. "I helped bring you here the least I can do is help keep you here."

"We really appreciate this Shelby" Finn said.

"Mommy!" yelled the voice of a small child from the other room.

"I'll go, you guys should really talk more" Bryan said, getting up.

"No it's okay, we should really be going" Rachel said. "Burt and Carole are making me a special vegan dinner and I should really be there to supervise." She and Finn got up to leave, but before Rachel could start out the door she turned around and walked up to Shelby.

"I just wanted to…" Rachel didn't finish the sentence, instead she tentatively hugged Shelby, who smiled and hugged her back. "I'll see you later."

"Of course" Shelby replied.

Bryan showed Finn and Rachel out and shut the door behind them.

"See that wasn't so bad was it?" Finn said as they walked towards the car. Just then Rachel began to cry and buried her head in Finn's chest.

"Rachel, what's the matter?" he said, rubbing her back.

"I'm okay" she said, pulling herself together. "It's just been a really emotional day."

* * *

"What exactly is tahini?" Is it some sort of sandwich?" Finn said, confusedly glancing at the recipe his mom had printed out.

"It's sesame paste Wolfgang Puck" Rachel teased, chopping a carrot.

"But could it go in a sandwich?" he asked hopefully.

"Finn If you're asking me if I'll make you a sandwich then yes but you'll have to be patient" Carole said, pouring some olive oil into a pan.

"Burt you're going to want to add a half a teaspoon of cumin" Rachel continued, grabbing the recipe from Finn and reading it.

"I don't get it, when do I put the eggs in?" Burt said, scratching his head.

"Do you not understand what vegan means?" Rachel said.

"Yeah, no meat right?" Burt said, "There's no meat in eggs."

"We're not using eggs Burt" Rachel said.

"What did you talk me into?" Burt said.

Rachel smiled and continued to cut the carrot.

"I'm glad we're doing this, just like old times" Finn said getting up to raid the fridge for a beer.

"If it were just like old times I'd be cooking a steak right now" Burt laughed.

"So Rachel, do I put the onions in first or…" Carole turned towards Rachel only to find her facedown in the pile of sliced carrots. "Rachel, honey?" Carole said running up to her and trying to stir her awake.

"Oh, no. Rachel!" Finn said, dropping his beer on the floor. She had passed out before, but never while she was sitting down and relaxed. It could only mean that she was getting worse. "Call an ambulance!"


	12. Anniversary

**Sorry for another slow update, especially after last chapter's cliffhanger, but I'm hoping the extra long chapter will make up for it. One more chapter plus an epilogue to go!**

Finn sat in the waiting room, anxious and scared. She was burning up with fever when he touched her and she couldn't be stirred awake no matter what he did. Fortunately the ambulance was fast and she had begun to come to once it neared the hospital. Still, he was a mess. He didn't even bother to wipe the tears that were streaming down his face, he didn't respond to his mother trying desperately to comfort him, nor to Burt's offering of weak coffee from the vending machine. All he could think about was Rachel and why it was taking so damn long for the doctor to tell him what was wrong with her. He checked his watch for the fourth time in three minutes and began to panic a little on the inside when he realized it had been half an hour since they wheeled her in.

"Finn Hudson?" said the doctor, approaching him.

"Yes" he said, bolting out of his chair and finally wiping his tear drenched face.

"Hi, I'm Dr. LaGrange."

"Is my wife okay?" Finn said shortly.

"Well, we were able to get her fever down, but we're afraid her white cell count is rather low which caused an infection" Dr. LaGrange said.

"What does that mean?" Carole chimed in.

"It means I think it's best that we admit Rachel until her condition is under control. We spoke to her oncologist and she agrees that here is the safest place for her to be right now."

"Can we see her?" Finn said, somewhat relieved.

"Of course" He said.

Finn, Burt and Carol followed the Doctor to Rachel's room where she sat up in bed with a morose look on her face that instantly reminded Finn of her very recent bout of depression.

"Hi baby" Finn said, kissing her softly on the lips.

"Hi" she said, smiling weakly.

"The doctor says you're going to have to stick around a few days, just until you feel a little better" Burt said.

"I know" She nodded, her eyes starting to glisten.

"Don't worry, I'll be right here, every day until you can come home" Finn said sitting down on the corner of her bed and allowing her to rest her head on his shoulder.

"Do you need anything honey?" Carole said.

"Not unless you can smuggle me out of here" she joked.

"Well I would but I don't think my pockets are big enough kiddo" Burt said. Rachel smiled and wiped her tears.

"I just hope I'm out of here by the third" Rachel said.

"Why, what's the third?" Burt said.

"It's our anniversary" Finn said. Just then Rachel started to cry.

"Hey, hey what's the matter, is that not right?" Finn said.

"No, it's right" she said, regaining her composure. "This is the first time in eight years that you didn't forget. Last year I had to circle it on a calendar and tape it to the TV and you still brought me a cake that said 'Happy B-day Rachel.'"

"Are you sad that I remembered?" Finn asked, confusedly.

"No, I'm happy" she said, kissing him "I'm really, really happy."

* * *

It had been more than a week since Rachel was admitted, and although her condition was improving the chances of her being out by the big day looked slim. But Rachel was just starting to feel like herself again, and _that_ Rachel Berry didn't give up. The first thing she did on the eve of her anniversary was to request an audience with the head of hospital events, the second thing she did was to send Finn into town to get his first real haircut in almost two months.

"Jesus Finn, were you thinking about joining a BeeGees tribute band?" Kurt said, combing through Finn's overgrown mop.

"I want to look nice, It's me and Rachel's anniversary tomorrow and we want to get everyone together to celebrate, including you."

"Wait, but I just visited her in the hospital, is she going to be out by then?"

"Probably not" Finn sighed.

"So you're throwing an anniversary party in a hospital?"

"It was her idea, she just wants to feel normal for once, to have all of her friends and family around without it having to be all about her being sick. I think that's why she freaked out the last time."

"If that's the case I'm not sure the hospital is the ideal venue."

"Nobody said it was perfect, but what can I say. It's Rachel" He smiled a little at the end of the sentence.

"Well, I'd love to come, as long as I get to style Rachel for the occasion and decorate the room."

"I wouldn't have it any other way man."

* * *

Kurt really had a gift. Finn was amazed with how beautiful his wife was that night. She traded in her drab paper gown for a pale blue silk dress and Kurt had styled her wig and adorned it with a delicate wreath of flowers, but what was most striking about her was her smile. Her smile never failed to make his heart beat a little faster, and that night was no exception. Everyone had shown up to celebrate, even Puck. They were allowed use of the group therapy room in exchange for a bribe and a thinly veiled threat from Rachel, so there was more than enough room for everyone. All things considered, it had the makings of a pretty great night.

Rachel tapped her glass with a fork, getting the attention of the room.

"I just want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for being here tonight." She beamed. "And I especially want to thank my Husband Finn for putting up with me for eight long years. I know it hasn't always been easy, or even pleasant. I was always this person who would do anything to get ahead, to be the best no matter who I had to walk over to get there. And then you came along and you accepted and loved me no matter what, through the good and the bad. You made me a better person in every way. Somewhere along the way I forgot how lucky I was to have you, to have our life together. But I promise you Finn Hudson that as long as I live I will never forget that again. I love you and I would want nothing more than for you to sing with me right now." Rachel switched on the stereo and a familiar tune began to play. Finn smiled and stood up to join her in a duet.

_Highway run into the midnight sun_  
_Wheels go round and round_  
_You're on my mind_  
_Restless hearts sleep alone tonight_  
_Sending all my love along the wire_  
_They say that the road_  
_ain't no place to start a family_  
_Right down the line it's been you and me_  
_And loving a music man_  
_ain't always what it's supposed to be_

_Girl_  
_you stand by me_  
_I'm forever yours_  
_faithfully_  
_Circus life under the big top world_  
_We all need the clowns to make us laugh_  
_Through space and time_  
_Always another show_  
_Wodering where I am lost without you_  
_And being a part ain't easy on this love affair_  
_Two strangers learn to fall in love again_  
_I get the joy of rediscovering you_

_Oh girl_  
_you stand by me_  
_I'm forever yours_  
_faithfully_  
_Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh_  
_oh oh oh oh oh oh_  
_faithfully_  
_I'm still yours_  
_I'm forever yours_  
_Ever yours_  
_faithfully_

As they finished the song and embraced the room broke out into applause and tears.

After everyone made their toasts and offered their words of encouragement the time came for dancing. As the night winded down everyone was still paired up, Rachel and Finn, Artie and Tina, Mr. Schue and Emma, Burt and Carole, Kurt and Elliott, Rachel's dads and Mercedes and her date for the evening. Everyone was dancing except for Quinn who came dateless for the evening and Puck who had been playing with Jones most of the night. She would never admit it but Puck the babysitter made Quinn blush a little. It wasn't until the toddler fell asleep that Puck took the chance to talk to the lonely blonde in the corner.

"'Sup FaBray" Puck said, sauntering over to her.

"We both know my name is Kerrigan now, get it right."

"So where is the husband anyway?"

"Business trip"

"Blonde or Brunette?" Puck asked snarkily.

"You're a piece of work you know that" Quinn said, sipping her champagne.

"So, what do you say? Romance is in the air, everyone's all happy and shit. Seems like a perfect opportunity to go find a bathroom stall and get it on" He said, winking.

"God you're pathetic. How is it possible that you haven't grown up at all since high school?" Quinn said, rolling her eyes.

"That sounds like a yes to me" Puck said confidently.

Quinn darted her eyes back and forth to make sure that no one was paying attention. "Alright Puckerman but let's make it fast." She grabbed his hand and led him out of the room.

"What's that all about?" Finn said, spotting Puck and Quinn leaving together.

"Beats me" Rachel lied.

"I have to say Rachel, this is probably the best night I've had in a really long time."

"Yeah, me too"

"The only drawback is I can't take you home and violate you later."

"Well you know there are certain benefits to having a private room you know" She said suggestively.

"Awesome" Finn said bending a good distance to kiss her

"This has been really great Rachel but I think we're going to take off, it's getting late and It's my night with the little one" Mercedes said, hand in hand with her date who held the sleeping baby with his free arm.

"Yeah it was really nice meeting you Rachel" He said.

"You too" Rachel said. "Treyshawn right?"

"Actually it's Henry and I find that racist" he said.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorr—

"I'm just playing, it's Treyshawn" he said.

Rachel shook her head. "Real funny"

"Happy anniversary guys" Mercedes said hugging them both goodbye.

* * *

"Oh god! Oh yes! Right there don't stop!" Quinn exclaimed as Puck pounded into her, making her slide up and down the wall of the bathroom stall.

"Not if you paid me" he panted.

"Oh yeah, right there almost there! Almost… ah, there" she said as they both climaxed. She unwrapped her legs from around his hips and pulled her skirt down.

"You're welcome" Puck said, pleased with himself.

"We should probably get back" Quinn said, but before she could leave Puck grabbed her hand and kissed her.

"Puck what are you doing?" she said, breaking the kiss.

"What, I'm not allowed?" Puck said.

"No I mean it's just kind of weird. I mean, usually we only kiss before the sex."

"Yeah but I was thinking we've been seeing each other off and on for like twelve years. Why can't it be us in there you know?"

"Because I'm married to someone else and you're a giant whore" Quinn said.

"Wait just hear me out" He said with a hint of desperation in his voice. "I was talking to Rachel and it really got me thinking. Life is short you know? You can't spend it just avoiding the things that you want because you're afraid of getting hurt. And I want you Quinn, I always have."

"Puck you knew what this was when we started" she said.

"I know you want me too Quinn, otherwise you would just bang the pool guy like a normal lonely housewife."

"What makes you think I don't?" She said.

"Because I know you Quinn and I know the reason you keep coming back is because you're still in love with me. Now, I forgive you for cheating on me with your husband, but I want more."

Quinn's eyes started to glisten. "Look Puck, Finn's wife is sick, maybe dying, Tina's husband is in a wheelchair for the rest of his life and I'm married to a guy that sleeps with everyone except for me. I know it's a cliché but life just isn't fair. If it was then maybe things could be different between me and you. But this whole thing is more complicated than just running away together like some immature teenagers. Besides, it's not like you wouldn't cheat on me too if we got together.

"That's not true Quinn, I may be a giant whore but I'm your giant whore."

"What are you talking about?"

"I haven't slept with anyone else for over a year Quinn, just you."

Quinn gave him a shocked expression, she could tell that he was telling the truth. "Puck I can't do this right now" she said, leaving him alone in the stall and bolting out of the bathroom door.

"Quinn?" Finn said as he and Rachel walked hand in hand down the hall the rest of the party guests close behind. "What are you doing?"

"Um, just returning to the party" she said nervously, smoothing out her hair.

"Um, the party's over, where did you disappear to?" Just then Puck exited the bathroom behind her, just as shocked as she was to see pretty much everyone he knew in Lima standing there.

"Um, hey guys" Puck said. "Great party."

* * *

"So, they're sleeping together aren't they?" Finn said, unzipping Rachel's dress.

"I wasn't supposed to say anything" Rachel said removing the dress and letting him get started on unhooking her bra.

"Wow, no place does drama better than Lima. Aren't you glad we came back here?"

"Ecstatic" she said kissing him and loosening his tie.

"Are you sure we're supposed to be doing this?" he said as she lowered him down onto her bed.

"I'm absolutely certain we're not supposed to be doing this" she said straddling him as he pulled down his pants, "But what the hell. It's our anniversary. Just try not to yank out my IV" She reached up to remove the flower wreath that Kurt had made her.

"No" Finn said, stopping her "Leave it on."

She smiled and planted a searing kiss on his lips. As she allowed him to enter her she grabbed his hands and placed them over her bare breasts.

"Oh Rachel" he said as she moved gracefully on top of him.

"Shh, the nurses will hear" she giggled placing her hand over his mouth.

He moved his hands from her breasts and onto her hips helping her grind atop him with increasing speed and intensity. He moved his hips under her, thrusting into her gently but intensely.

"I'm coming" She whispered after awhile. "Are you coming?"

"For about three minutes now" he said, panting.

"Wow, good job"

"Can you maybe stop talking? I'm sorry your voice is just very sexy and I'm kind of trying to keep it under control right now."

"Don't worry" she said "I think I might beat you there" Just then she bit her bottom lip and her eyes squeezed shut as she came. Finn followed immediately.

"That was good" she said, falling into him and breathing sharply.

"Totally" he agreed.

**I know I kind of overused Faithfully in my last fic, but what can I say? It's kind of their song at this point. Also I doubt I will resolve Puck and Quinn's side story in this fic, but I will consider wiritng a one-shot spin-off about their sordid affair if enough people request it.**


	13. Positivity

It had been over two weeks since Rachel left the hospital but she still had to undergo chemo treatments, and they still never ceased to thoroughly kick her ass. Fortunately making up with Finn made everything feel a little bit better. Even on nights when she was too ill to make love (which were most nights at that point) just being close to him was enough, the way he held her and kissed her and touched her body made her feel safe, loved and even more afraid of losing it all. Puck was a big help too. Finn didn't think he'd ever get used to the sight of his wife and high school frenemy getting stoned together. But he had to admit he appreciated how much better she felt when she was under the influence. The fact that she was beyond entertaining when high was a bonus.

"I took your advice Berry, it sucked. Quinn hasn't spoken to me since the party." Puck said passing the lit joint to Rachel.

"You should buy her a unicorn" Rachel giggled. "Wouldn't it be amazing if those were real things and you could just buy baby ones at the pet store? Finn would you buy me a unicorn if you could? Like a pink one with hearts on it?"

"You do realize you're going to have to stop that once you're done with chemo right?" Finn said swigging his beer.

"I will if you buy me a unicorn" Rachel said giddily.

"I'll see what I can do" he said getting up and kissing her softly on the forehead. "I'm gonna go see if Burt wants another beer." He grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and exited into the backyard where Burt was grilling burgers, leaving Puck and Rachel alone.

"She loves you you know?" Rachel said. "At the party she kept looking at you like you were a big bowl of rainbow sunshine candy."

"Is that even a thing?" Puck asked.

"You know, you're such a good guy now Puck. You know how to love. And one day Quinn is going to see that because you're… you're just great"

"Are you ever going to build up a tolerance for this stuff?" Puck asked taking a long drag.

"It's like me and Finn. We always knew we were right for each other even when we were with other people, and we were right. I think you're right too Puck" she said taking the joint back from Puck and taking a drag.

"That was actually coherent, maybe you're not such a bad stoner after all."

"Hey guys" Kurt said entering the kitchen with baby Jones in his arms, they hadn't even heard them come in.

"Kurt!" Rachel said getting up to hug him "Hi baby." She said, hugging the baby next.

"You know Finn told me and I just had to see it for myself" Kurt said. "Don't ever do what Puck and aunt Rachel are doing" He said to Jones.

"Where's Mercedes?" Rachel asked.

"At a Whitecastle, I'd let you go but you probably wouldn't be able to find it."

"You're funny Kurt" she giggled.

"Elliott took her and the boyfriend to lunch, he always likes to scope out the potential third fathers" Kurt said.

"Hey" Burt said, entering the room, if you guys are done breaking the law in my house I have some burgers outside for you, Gardenburger for Rachel of course, on a vegan bun."

"You've learned well grasshopper Rachel said… ha, grasshopper" she giggled, getting up to join her family outside.

* * *

"Today was Fun" Rachel said settling into the warm bed she shared with Finn

"Yeah, Burt makes a mean burger" Finn agreed.

"No, not just the burgers, I never thought I'd say this but it felt sort of nice being so… normal. I might actually miss it if we get to go back to New York."

"Wow, you realize that's the first time you've talked about going back, are you starting to get positive on me?"

She shrugged" I don't know, it's just nice to think about I guess."

"So, are you scared about the surgery" Finn asked as he got into bed with Rachel.

"Well, it hurt a lot the last time, I'm a little afraid of that."

He pulled her in closer and kissed her softly "I love you so much you know that?"

She smiled "I know, why else would you endure my drama for eight years?"

"Do you remember when we first met ?"

"Yeah, you thought I was crazy"

"_Thought?_" He joked.

"Shut up" she said, playfully hitting him

"But no it was when I heard you sing. It wasn't just the way you sounded, which was amazing, it was the passion, the way you made me feel. The second I heard you all I could think was 'this girl isn't afraid of anything'"

"I was afraid of everything actually" she said. "I was afraid of losing. Now I'm just afraid of losing you" she said, wiping away a stray tear.

"You'll never lose me."

* * *

It was a week later and Rachel was back in the hospital, ready to endure the bone marrow transplant that would hopefully save her life. Finn clutched Rachel's shaking hand as the anesthesiologist administered the drug that would put her out for the surgery.

"Your hand is shaking" he said.

"I know, I've tried to get it to stop."

He kissed her hand and stroked it gently "You can do this Rachel."

She smiled weakly. "I just wish the sleepy drugs would kick in already"

"Hello Rachel, how are you feeling?" Dr. Larsen said in sing-song.

"Okay, a little scared I guess."

"Well don't you worry, Shelby just got out of surgery so you should be good to go very soon. And once the anesthesia kicks in you're not going to feel a thing."

Yeah I'll just be in blinding pain for days after, she thought. "Thank God for that" she said instead. She still didn't care for Dr. Larsen but she wasn't as upfront about it.

"Are you starting to feel anything yet?" Finn asked.

"Yeah, I'm starting to feel a little lightheaded" She said. "Finn, will you sing for me until I fall asleep?"

Finn clutched her hand tighter and pulled it up to his chest.

"Of course" he said before beginning to sing softly.

_Baby, I'm-a want you  
Baby, I'm-a need you  
You the only one I care enough to hurt about  
Maybe I'm-a crazy  
But I just can't live without..._

Your lovin' and affection  
Givin' me direction  
Like a guiding light to help me through a darkest hour  
Lately I'm a-prayin'  
That you'll always be a-stayin' beside me

At the last line his voice began to crack a little but he continued through the tears.

_Used to be my life was just emotions passing by  
Feeling all the while and never really knowing why... _

Lately I'm a-prayin'  
That you'll always be a-stayin' beside me.

"I love you Finn" she said before drifting off to sleep.

"I love you too" he said, not knowing for sure if she heard him or not.

The End

**Okay not the _end _end stay tuned for the epilogue in which we will finally find out if Rachel won her battle with cancer. I wouldn't leave you hanging like that.**


	14. Epilogue

He sat in the dark room, holding the now wilted flowers that were meant for the funeral. There were no tears in his eyes, perhaps because he'd cried every one he had left. He heard a knock on the door, it was probably his mom trying once again to get him to come out of the room.

"Honey, please come out. Everyone wants to see you."

He didn't answer.

"Okay if you won't come out then I'm coming in."

She opened the door and came in, sitting down next to him.

"You weren't at the funeral" she said.

"I wanted to," he said under his breath. "I got dressed and everything, but I just…" he trailed off.

"She would have wanted you there sweetie" she said.

"Oh don't give me that!" he said angrily, throwing the flowers to the ground. "She would have wanted to be alive, that's what she would have wanted!"

"I know honey, I know"

"You know this movie is kind of sad" Finn whispered over to Rachel.

"Shh, my part's coming up" Rachel whispered back.

"Dan?" Rachel's character said coming into the room.

"Hey sis" he said weakly.

"Everyone wants to see you"

"I can't go out there" he said "I can't"

She hugged him and rested her head on his shoulder "If you're not ready then you're not ready. You know, we'll just sit with you… if that's okay."

Finn wrapped his arm around Rachel's shoulder and kissed the top of her head, now covered with thick, shoulder-length hair.

* * *

"You were awesome babe" Finn said as they left the theater.

"Really?"

"Yes really. I can't wait for everyone to see it."

"You mean my three whole scenes?"

"Yeah, I liked the part where you threw that vase."

"I actually improvised that."

"Yeah? that's awesome."

"Thank you for coming with me, I know it must have been kind of hard to watch"

"Yeah, the main guy kind of sucked but you were great"

"No, I mean because of everything we've been through these past couple of years. I know that movie probably hit pretty close to home."

"To tell you the truth, all I could think about was how amazing it was just to watch you up there. There was a point where I wasn't sure you know?"

"I know, neither was I" she said quietly.

"You know what? Let's not talk about it, that's in the past where it belongs, right now all I want to do is go to this cast party and take advantage of these rich guys and their free food" Finn said.

"Well, we have to be home early if we want to make the flight tomorrow Mercedes will never let us live it down if we miss her wedding" Rachel said. "The party's going to be pretty boring anyway, none of the reporters are going to want to talk to me."

"Well, you'll talk to them, that's what you do."

"That is what I do isn't it?"

"I'm psyched really, it'll be the first time in months I can have wine from an actual bottle."

"Well, you go nuts, I'm not drinking."

"Why?"

She just smiled at him, "You're a smart guy I think you can figure it out."

The _End_ End

**Scared you there for a second didn't I? But no I couldn't bring myself to kill Rachel, although I seriously considered it. Thank you all so much for reading, and stay tuned for my one-shot spin-off starring Puck and Quinn.**


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